Pressure

With too much pressure comes guilt.

I have a habit of collecting things to my life. Collecting stuff I need to do, 'cause I promised. If someone ask's me to do something I hardly ever say no. I regret it later, but at that moment I'm sure I can manage one more thing to do. But what happens when one can't manage anything anymore, not even that one thing?

How does one know what's too much? Is it wrong, first to say yes to everything, and then have a change of heart and stop completely?

Guilt.

My theory is that enough is when you can't even get one thing done without forgetting 3 times what you where doing and why...when you'd rather burst in tears than think about the next day ahead.

Guilt.

When you'd rather stay in the house and sit on the sofa, without doing anything on your day off, than go out and do something you used to enjoy. When seeing your friends, or asking them how they are doing doesn't interest you anymore. When you don't feel like telling anyone how you're doing. You just don't have the energy.

Guilt.

But the main clue is guilt. You just feel guilty all the time, 'cause you remember you promised to do this and that, call him and her, go to visit them then, be there on time and come back on time, be a good dog owner,friend, daughter, worker...but you realize you haven't done anything of those properly for ages. If guilt has become your "best friend", loose half of the stuff you've promised to do...to yourself or someone else. Making someone mad for a while is a way better option than loosing yourself in the middle. How can that be done without letting someone down? Is there a proper excuse to be selfish...ever?

Guilt.

Changes.

Things need to change, and it's not going to be pleasant at first.
Have you ever kinda woke up to see that your life isn't what you would like it to be? You've just been living your life and doing things without really paying attention HOW you're living and doing things...with rising anxiety. Well mine is pretty much coming to it's peak, so I've decided to make some re-evaluations.

The problems are, that it feels like I never have the time or energy to do things I feel would need to be done, like cleaning, exercising, and taking care of the dogs properly. There are multiple reasons why things are like this and I'm going to try to tackle every one of them.

This is my holy list of changes:

- First and foremost I need to cut back on using the internet. The main reason why I never feel like I don't have time for anything is this little rectangle black machine! I have a new rule, I'm allowed to check my Facebook account twice a week...and boy is that going to be hard! I'm way too addicted to it, checking it every five minutes or even more often when I'm at home, or even when I'm visiting someone. I calculated that when I limit my internet time to twice a week instead of everyday I save up to 21hours a week!!! 21hours! That's almost a whole day...that will leave me with plenty of time to do all the other things I'm planning to do.

- The second thing has to do with sleeping. If I want to be more energetic I need to sleep enough, go to bed earlier and wake up earlier. So bed time on a normal night (means I'm just hanging at home not doing anything special: going out with someone or something) is 11pm. I usually go to work at 12pm so if I wake up at 8am that would mean I have 3,5 hours of active time in the mornings before I need to go to work...and I still have slept for 9 hours. Not a bad deal at all.
The problem with this is that I'm not a morning person...really, I'm not. So if this proves to be too difficult I'll make some compromises with this one, or else I'll be really annoyed...all the time. But I'll try to make it work!

- No energy drinks. NONE. They are bad for me, and they cost a lot of money and are addicting. I drink approximately 1 energy drink a day. One costs around 2,5euros. That costs me 75,00 euros a month. Ridicilous, absolutely ridicilous. This is an easy thing to do, I'll just think about the 75 euros every time I feel like buying one.

- Remember my post around Christmas, where I promised to lose 5 kilos? Well I did promise that...but no I haven't lost the weight. I had a good start, but then life came and changed everything and whoooops I've actually almost gain 5 kilos. I haven't felt this dissapointed in myself for a long time, or been bothered about my looks this much either since my eating disorder times. My eating habits have spinned out of control, which have made my body crave for fatty foods, sugar and salt all the time. I don't have any idea how much weight I'd like to lose, my goal is to get my eating habits back to normal and if (sure I will) I lose some weight in the meantime that's good, but I'm not going to stare at the scale. My body mass index is at 23,2 which is the highest I've ever been at, so now it's time to take action. I'm still in the normal zone of BMI but with this rate, won't be for long. The way I look and feel, has a huge impact on the way I feel so this change is a very imporatnt one. It's going to make me more healthy and happier at the same time.

- Exercise. Haven't done that much either lately. With that 75 euros I'll save from the energy drinks I'm going to start going to the gym again. Once a week at least. I don't wan't to push myself with this too much or I'll be put out of it immediately. I'll buy the gym card again and see how I'll manage with it. Once now and again is better than never, right?
When most of the snow has melted I'll start running with Jazz again(my other dog). That way I'll give Jazz the exercise he needs and do something myself too. Perfect. I used to hate running but now I have grown to like it, so that's a good exercise form for me. My goal is to do something 6 days a week + walk the dogs everyday. Walking the dogs isn't really exercising for me so I can easily add a bit of hooping to a day easily.(Again I'm talking about "normal" days when I'm mostly at work and at home, a girl needs to have fun too ;)) And hooping will make me happy!

- Money. I don't know how to spend my money in a way I won't end up living on the streets in 5 years. If I don't manage now when I'm still working, what's it going to be like when I'm in school...don't even want to think about it really.
I have this habitof not opening my post. That means I don't know about my bills or important letters. The reason why I don't open them strait away is, that way I can pretend they are not there. If I don't open them I might not have to pay them...how clever. Wonder why it hasn't worked out yet,not even once?? Yes, so, I need to start organizing my money and bills, properly. That way I don't need to feel agitated all the time about money issues, and maybe I would have more money left eventually, to eat properly for example. Budget is the word of the hour.

Those are the main things I'm tackling with. I believe that if I get most of those in to order, other things will start to solve themselves. If I have more energy, and feel better about myself, don't have to worry about money issues so much, I'll be overall happier and that will affect every aspect of my life. What a lovely thought, isn't it?
I'm hoping I'll stick to this plan and get my rainbow after the rain. :)

First Aid Kit

Then in to something completely different...I wen't to a gig in the Club Tavastia last Thursday. I'm still over the moon after it!! I wen't to see two Swedish sister sing...they are called First Aid Kit. One of the most uplifting and ispiring gigs I've ever been at!

These two sisters are only 19 and 16 years old. They scream talent!
This is one of my favourite songs of theirs...this band is my new love. :D

Hope you all have a nice week!

One word baby; curiosity.

That's what we all should learn, me at least for sure! Fear is something that can make ones life almost impossible to live happily ever after. Just think about it, if Snow white hadn't bite that toxic apple she maybe would never have met her prince charming! What an irony, something poisonous can be good for you...oh Disney where would we be without you!

But seriously, I've been thinking about fears today.
We had this intern at our store for a month or so...she was slow, nervous, unshure of herself but she tried her best. She was really bad. Like seriously she was BAD. But still she tried, she took my critiques (I was kind) and carried on. I could see that everytime I talked to her (not with her 'cause the only thing she said back was yes, yes, yes, okey, yes , I know, yeess) she tensed up and really wasn't comfortable talking to me 'cause she thought I'd tell her she'd done something wrong again...(and yes I was kind!)

Still she kept on pushing, kept on trying to be better, and we did see some progress in her just before her internship ended. All I could think about is how embarassing it must have been for her to sit there and listen to me telling her teacher, at the last evaluation, what she had done wrong, what had been her low points...because there really wasn't that much good to say. But those things needed to be said...that's the only way she could benefit from her mistakes. And boy did she try the next day after that! She was with the customers like a pro(well not really but way better than before that) and she really really tried to be brave and speak up her mind about things, which she hadn't done before!
How brave is that...to be humiliated almost everyday in some way, but still go on and push forward. She wasn't stylish, she wasn't pretty or witty (hah a poem) and she couldn't do a lot of things right but she had a lot more things going on in her life than I am! She was brave.

Fear is the thing that's making me hang in this standstill "phase". How does one learn to say things that need to be said, or do what need to be done without beeing scared of the possible (bad)things that might follow?
Being curious. That's the answer.(or atleast that's what I'm letting myself believe) Like the first pic says, Replace fear with curiosity...let curiosity take over and soon you'll wake up to new things before you even know it! I need to start pushing my self more in to beeing even more interested in the things that feel worth it, explore more, be curious! I won't die of humiliation or screwing up.(Or only just for a moment..)
Then I'll just get up and carry on with my chin down towards new dissapointments! Who knows maybe I'll find something good on the way there, I just need to be curious enough to look under each stone...(what a cliché hah).

And I'm on my way to curiosity already! I'm traveling to Istanbul with a friend of mine...that's something to be scared about, a blonde in Turkey..o-ouuu. But I am curious to see how it goes. ;)

Moaning

There's a subject that I've been avoiding for many years now...
It has haunted me every day, been close to me, whispering to my ear. Until now I've decided not to listen to those whispers, I've always felt like I don't have to, I still have time. Recently the voices have gotten louder...my ears hurt from all the shouting. I can't ignore this subject anymore, as it seems to bother me more and more everyday.

This forbidden subject is school..
When I gratuated from college(finnish: lukio) I was only 19 years old, or at least I think that I was. Young anyway. That was 5 years ago. Since then I've tried to apply to some schools few times, but never like I ment to get in. In Finland it's not easy to get into a university.It always felt like it's not worth all the effort that I had to put in just to get in! I've also always had a problem with failure. If I tried my hardest and still wouldn't get in, I'd really hate that and would get depressed over it. That was a thought I wasn't ready to handle. So, I never really tried my best...just wen't into the exams, scribbled something to the papers and left...allready knowing that there was no chance for me to get in. After I repeated this pattern a few times I thought that "Why even bother..." it certainly looked like I didn't wan't to go to school anyway. Then I decided not to force myself. I wen't to Belgium for a while and when I came back to Finland, got my self a job from Helsinki and moved here.

I absolutely hated my first year living here. I didn't know anyone, had only few friends (not very good ones) and was lonely as hell. Little by little I started to settle in, and started liking my new life away from home. Slowly but surely I had built myself a life here. I still didn't feel like going to school...no way. So I carried on the way I had. Untill this day I haven't regretted my decision. I've enjoyed my life a lot.
Now I feel that the time has come. I'm not getting any younger, so it's time to get things in to order and go to school...I can't live my whole life like this, or without a proper education. Actually I don't even wan't to.

Now that I've started thinking about these things I find my self batling with the same problems as I did 5 years ago. Am I good enough for anything? Will I get in to any school even if I try my hardest? What if I fail? Where to apply? What is it that I wan't to study? Will I hate it in school? Will I have enough money or time or endurance to cope with all of the things that come with it?
And again, I'm hating this...I'm hating the fact that I really really don't know what to do! I'm clueless.

Evening after evening I just browse through websites...check out different programs, but I'm not getting anywhere. Usually if I wan't something, I just make it happen...but for some reason this is a subject that paralyses me. I'm stuck, and don't know how to proceed. Seems like I'm not really good at making these life-changing-decisions...or even coping with the idea of them.

My biggest wish for next year is that I'd figure out what I wan't to do with my life. All ideas are welcome. Help! This "don't know what to do"- business is making my life miserable right now. Well maybe I'll just get my self married, have 5 kids, forget everything else and live happily ever after!...maybe not.

"Ignoring the facts, won't change the facts."