Moaning

There's a subject that I've been avoiding for many years now...
It has haunted me every day, been close to me, whispering to my ear. Until now I've decided not to listen to those whispers, I've always felt like I don't have to, I still have time. Recently the voices have gotten louder...my ears hurt from all the shouting. I can't ignore this subject anymore, as it seems to bother me more and more everyday.

This forbidden subject is school..
When I gratuated from college(finnish: lukio) I was only 19 years old, or at least I think that I was. Young anyway. That was 5 years ago. Since then I've tried to apply to some schools few times, but never like I ment to get in. In Finland it's not easy to get into a university.It always felt like it's not worth all the effort that I had to put in just to get in! I've also always had a problem with failure. If I tried my hardest and still wouldn't get in, I'd really hate that and would get depressed over it. That was a thought I wasn't ready to handle. So, I never really tried my best...just wen't into the exams, scribbled something to the papers and left...allready knowing that there was no chance for me to get in. After I repeated this pattern a few times I thought that "Why even bother..." it certainly looked like I didn't wan't to go to school anyway. Then I decided not to force myself. I wen't to Belgium for a while and when I came back to Finland, got my self a job from Helsinki and moved here.

I absolutely hated my first year living here. I didn't know anyone, had only few friends (not very good ones) and was lonely as hell. Little by little I started to settle in, and started liking my new life away from home. Slowly but surely I had built myself a life here. I still didn't feel like going to school...no way. So I carried on the way I had. Untill this day I haven't regretted my decision. I've enjoyed my life a lot.
Now I feel that the time has come. I'm not getting any younger, so it's time to get things in to order and go to school...I can't live my whole life like this, or without a proper education. Actually I don't even wan't to.

Now that I've started thinking about these things I find my self batling with the same problems as I did 5 years ago. Am I good enough for anything? Will I get in to any school even if I try my hardest? What if I fail? Where to apply? What is it that I wan't to study? Will I hate it in school? Will I have enough money or time or endurance to cope with all of the things that come with it?
And again, I'm hating this...I'm hating the fact that I really really don't know what to do! I'm clueless.

Evening after evening I just browse through websites...check out different programs, but I'm not getting anywhere. Usually if I wan't something, I just make it happen...but for some reason this is a subject that paralyses me. I'm stuck, and don't know how to proceed. Seems like I'm not really good at making these life-changing-decisions...or even coping with the idea of them.

My biggest wish for next year is that I'd figure out what I wan't to do with my life. All ideas are welcome. Help! This "don't know what to do"- business is making my life miserable right now. Well maybe I'll just get my self married, have 5 kids, forget everything else and live happily ever after!...maybe not.

"Ignoring the facts, won't change the facts."